Friday, April 20, 2012
IN LOVE WITH LOVE
I thank God for you and the ministry, "Spiritual Growth for Women," God is definitely up to something as the ministry continues to grow.
Well, it's time to talk about me. I don't mind doing it because I have to let you know that no matter what the circumstance is in your life, God can turn it around, it you are a willing vessel. I also think that God is renewing my spirit every time I am honest with you about my struggles.
If you have been reading my blogs since January, you might have realized that I have often spoken about my marriage. The thing that I have not spoken to you about is something that I don't feel proud of in many ways. I have talked about being in an abusive marriage. I have talked about my husband that passed away, and about my current husband. I got married when I was 17 years old, he was in the Navy and the distance didn't work out. My oldest son, Joseph came out of that marriage. We had joint custody and they have a great relationship to this day. My second marriage was because I didn't think I deserved any better. My daughter Brittnae was born in that marriage. He was abusive and I got on drugs and in the world for a long time. My third marriage came because my late husband helped me get out of the abusive relationship. I felt obligated, but loved him. I spent 12 years with him and didn't let him get to know me until six months before he passed away. I am currently married and I really want to get this right. I mean the love and everything.
I realized that I was in love with the idea of being in love. I don't really know what all that entails because of the fact that I never really gave it a chance. I was starting to when my husband passed away, but do to past hurts and disappointments, very fearful. That is the kind of hurt that I could not deal with or ever forget. I was never really in love. But do we really know what that means? I think movies really throw us for a loop with that one.
Anyway, I am learning how to keep my guard down and get to know my husband. I love him but I am still holding something back, that says, "you can't touch this part of me." I have started listening to the Lord more concerning this situation. My husband takes very good care of me and my son. There is nothing he won't do for me. He comes to me full of excitement about his class and I sometimes don't even look at him when he's talking to me. God is working on that part of me. I have to start looking at him and stop looking at the t.v. for a chance. He's excited and whether or not I share the same excitement, I should be happy about anything that makes him happy. I am learning alot about him and I am trying to let him get to know me. You see, I don't want to be in love with the idea of being in love; I want to really be in love. He is my husband and I decided seven years ago that I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did before. I wanted another chance to get it right and God has given that to me, now I have to do the rest. It's hard, but I'm okay with that.
My message through all of this is: What is love to you? Sharing, share yourself, take a chance, trust God for your husband.